Dear JCW

20 Jan

Alright. I’m just going to put it all out there. I don’t know if this will change anything but hopefully it will clear some things up.
The day you left was one of the saddest days of my life. The drive home was hard enough and was made even more difficult with the build up of tears. So much so that I pulled into a gas station, put my car in park and bawled my eyes out. For the next few days I was a complete wreck. I hated everyone and everything.  Fake smiles, a stoic persona and a constant intake of alcohol helped cover up all my sadness. The only saving grace was the occasional text message but I would have given anything to have you there next to me.
You said you had a problem with “bad timing” but there was always something or someone else.  I remember the first time we actually “hung out.” It was at May’s apartment. I walk in and you and Alan are watching BSG. I sit at the table and do my homework then I go and join the two of you. You were so funny and you had me clinging to every word. The next day I told Alan how awesome I thought you were but I kept it to myself when you were around. Then you came around more often and the attraction continued to grow but still I kept my feelings to myself. Next thing I know you and Josh are dating. You see, Angel, this is what happens when you don’t make a move. As time passed we became better friends and the time we spent together were some of the most memorable times of my life. The best part of my day was getting to hang out with you. Mulatto fish, random dance breaks, stealing bikes, Vin Diesel posters, “nice cardigan”…everything we did was fun and I will never forget those wonderful times. I still had those strong feelings but it became clear to me that I would only be the friend. After the Josh phase came Alex. We don’t need to discuss him because well…I HATE HIM. After that, you dropped the bomb. You were moving to Florida and didn’t know when you were coming back. I was going to lose my best friend.
Things had begun to change. There was a sudden shift and everything was happening so fast. I had lost track of my own life. I continued to read your blog. Every time there was a possible return date I would get so happy only to read later that the date had been changed. As time progressed the things you wrote only reassured my fears, you were never going to come back. I had given up. Truth is, I wrote you another letter that I never sent.
Your brief visit was something I needed. I missed you so much and just being able to see you, give you a hug and hang out brought back great memories and feelings. Then you had to leave again. Good bye the second time was much harder. There are still some things that were left unsaid on my part. Hopefully one day I will have a chance and courage to say them. When I said “I’m really glad you told me,” I meant it.  It’s good to know that you felt the same way and had the current situation been different who’s to say what could have happened. Just know that you are my best friend and I love you. Though fate had different plans for us that will NEVER change.


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